Today was a very long day. Miss Riley decided to give me a run for the money and not nap. What 24 mo old does not nap? She better not start to give them up as early as Devin did at 2.5. I NEED that time with only one child. It helps keep me sane. They both went to bed at 7pm and Frank started to snore within 3 seconds of hitting the pillow. I, on the other hand, cannot sleep. I learned some very sad news earlier this week and it was made worse today...
There is this girl I used to be good friends with when we were kids. We played soccer together from 9 to about 14. I used to ride my bike to her house through the woods behind my house into Medford and we would hang out at this place they called White Sands. God does that bring back memories. Over the years we drifted apart and lost touch. I saw a link on Facebook that a mutual friend of ours posted that was her blog. I read the blog since it is a public one (back in December). I knew she was pregnant and was due soon, but I read that her baby had a detected heart issue and they knew that when she delivered she would have to undergo emergency heart surgery. The mom and dad were prepared for this. Surgery went well and after a few weeks in recovery the baby was strong enough to go home. She had hiccups here and there and then on the 24th she had suffered a heart attack. Long story short, the heart suffered too much damage and has to be replaced via transplant. They are now on a list among other kids who need the same procedure done. Will she make it through the night, who knows. Will she get a heart in time? It is so sad. I do not know what I would do in this situation, how I would react, if I would be strong enough.
It really makes you think about what I have in life and that I really need to take a step back and be thankful and slow down. I am not sure why it takes things like this to happen for one to realize that they have it so great and that it could be worse, way worse. I have no idea what I would do without my two kids in my everyday life. Yes, they drive me nuts at times....but that is their job. If they were not happy and healthy they would not be able to do so. I do take it for granted what I have. It is hard not to since I know no different. I have never really suffered extreme loss. Yes, I had a miscarriage before Devin was born, but I was not emotionally attached to that baby. Yes, I had high risk pregnancies and had to have every type of medical intervention to stay pregnant as long as I did (still having two early births.) I had the fear that I would lose the baby again since I went into active labor with Devin at 27 weeks. I was able to hold out until 34 weeks and he was ok, hospitalized, but ok. Holding and kissing and touching a baby-your baby, is something no one can ever duplicate. Losing that baby/child is something I hope that I never have to deal with. I have always heard the phrase, "No parent should ever have to bury their child," and now I understand the depth of that statement.
Other childhood friends of mine, one I have known since before I can remember and the other maybe 9 or 10 suffered an amazing loss last year. The mom, dad and I had just reconnected at the end of the summer and then the surgery happened in early fall. I could not get over how big she had gotten and how much she looked like her mom did when we were kids. The first baby was a surprise and they were in college-but despite all odds, they made it work. Later getting married and buying a home and welcoming a second baby girl who looked just like her daddy. I was so happy for them. They had a spunky elementary school student who had a faulty heart that needed to be fixed. She underwent surgery and it seemed successful. She came home and then everything fell apart. She never made it out of the hospital the second time. I was following the moms posts to update everyone as the emergency happened and I will never forget reading one of her last posts that said, "she is not going to make it." My heart dropped and I started to cry. I had never met this young lady, but I felt so sad for her mom, dad and everyone around them. Being a mom and feeling that love toward your child puts you in touch with other parents. We all know this feeling and can sympathize with both good and bads. I cried for what seemed like hours. I remember calling my sister and telling her and asking what I was supposed to do. She said there is nothing I could do and that was an awful feeling. There was nothing anyone could do. Now there was the family that just lost an integral part of their family, THE part that actually made them a family...and she was gone. I am truly amazed with how well they do. I know I have no idea with the internal battles the face every day, but on the day to day I am amazed. I respect them so much for the courage and fight they have just to do it. I am not sure I would have the same fight in me. I know they say that you do it for your other child, husband etc....but a loss like that-well there is no other. I think of that loss of theirs at least a few times a week. Maybe it is more than I should, but it makes me remember to take in everything happening around me.
Life is complicated and there are so many things that cannot be answered. I have always struggled with having faith. We grew up in a non religious household. I went to catholic church every now and then in high school and pretty regularly my freshman year in college. I also went to church with my aunt and uncle one summer, but I cannot count that since I usually fell asleep during the mass. I enjoy learning about religion-all religions. That said, I do not believe in God. If there was a God, why does he do such shitty things to good people? Why does he take children away from loving parents, while he leaves other kids in homes where their parents beat or molest them? If there was a God, those things would not happen. Why does he give stupid teenagers healthy babies, but not allow healthy married couples to conceive? Again, there is no God. There may be some higher power of prayer and spiritual uplifting-but a divine power of one man? I do not buy it. I am not sad about this, nor am I lonely. I think a lot of people who are religious "need" that in their lives. They need to have the feeling that there are answers when really answering, a question with "that is what God intended," is not an answer. Its a cop out for "I don't know and I will never know." Most people I know (personally) who have become overly spiritual is because they were faced extreme adversity and again "needed" to lean on something. Whether it be addiction, depression, abuse, loss of control or anything else-I know those people turned to faith because they had nothing else. I have other things. Does this make me less of a person? Does this make me bad? I have no idea....but it is who I am.
Sorry for the depressing post. But I cannot sleep and it will not leave my mind.
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